reality

past couple days been thinking about the internet and the realization of people with in it. basically like a  week ago me and my boyfriend was shopping around charity shops as we were looking about this girl approached me and said she watches my video etc and obvious me totally failing got supper shy etc and all i could do is blush and say thanks. the more i thought about this the more it kind of makes me realize the 5000 people flowing me on youtube are actual people lol its like suddenly they have a face it’s no more just a number on my screen. i just dont know. its like my brain have had sudden realization there is people there not just me rumbling about nothing . must say it was great feeling to be a somebody for 2 seconds.

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work

I have literary no luck work ways. I get work is work and work is needed cos one needs money to spend . I’m not complaining about the actual work I’m complaining about the fact that I’m not on the tomarrows list for people who gona work meaning I shouldn’t be working but if I don’t go I can face the chance that I might get a warning for it . Cos people have got that before which in my eyes is unacceptable. Meaning be paper work leters etc etc . Like I’m not meant to have job where things work properly .

thoughts on weight and stuff

so must say it have recently struck me down bad time. i have a winter tire and im really not happy about it.  i noticed even when was in scotland at my boyfriends i felt really shy about it and if i had just like my bra on or a short top and i had to sit down i put my arms around my self to kind cover my belly.  and i honestly avoid mirrors.  i have a large mirror in my closet and if i have change clothes or something my back is always turned to it.  i feel ok if everythings covered but if need show skin then its like nooo…  just feels like some weird mental thing or something.  but i dnt know just gona try work out every moment i get and cut down on crazy much and portion sizes.  cos i felt so good last summer where now i litterary feel like a fatass.  and im not ok with it and something need be done.  so today gona mesure everything and see what needs improvements the most and then just work out. all the time. specialy now when the uni is practicaly done, 

so heres a pic of me.  no shame. but wearing my new top from h&m. got it yesterday well pleased.

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end of year

so the unbalievable is starting to happen and the end of my 2nd year in uni is coming to an end.  just finishing of some final prints and then just this mega thing to write up and finaly be out here and havr good chance to get job in same place my mum is working.  at least for the summer.  so can actualy aford things.  cos have some bits totravel planed.  and need some cash for my passport too as thats endin too but over all must say feel proud of my self actualy making it.  it was for forever.  so yeah.  lol.  i feel that my grades be happily down the hill but i m doing it and not giving up.  and just end up with mega list of people i hate lol

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new shoes

so i finaly ended up buying some new shoes from office as in sense had no other choice as my platforms are literary fucked and i can not walk in them properly no more as im still month to go till my student loan i decided to just settle for some shoes and then when have time and money buy ones i actualy love.  so i ended up seing these in  office.  i will be doing unboxing video about them.  but i put them on today and as much as i like how the shoes looked by them selves i feel like i hate them.  and i hate them bad time,  its like shoe by its self is great but when its on feel like it makes my legs look mega mega and just i dnt know maybe its just doesnt go with my outfits or something i honestly dont know.  dont you ever get that feeling its weird.  plus when was walking down the street i just felt so normal lol which made me rethink what f ed up image of beautiful i have lol. 

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first day of exercising

its official it is 1st day back to the every day exercising and seemed ok so far but now when just sitting here felt a bit like my dinner is working its way back lol so not a good start . but u know its the first day tomarrow 1st proper training since back too so see how that goes but im just trying to stay positive and just roll with it .

 

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finnaly better

so first day in weeks time when i feel like a person again. just been feelin so tired yesterday and today at least no more 39 temperature at least didnt went too hight this time only to 39.1 its super high for some but as i get ill super rare its normal even quite low as didnt need take anyting to take down the temperature , just gona try type up my essay in time for thusrtday see how goes. and must say im ready to leave the bed tomarow even just go post office get some fresh layer of clothes and bedding and be ready to take on again woop:)

it finaly happened..

So it finaly happened over a year later I’m ill I’d be ok about being ill but I have deadlines next week so I feel tottaly f ed . Already asked about extention etc so see how goes just feel bit out there cos might need change the times I go scotland can’t channge london but no choice . Just sucks bad time 😦